It’s an interesting phenomenon that occurs in my way of thinking and being. I wish I had psyche training and a better ability to self-diagnose, but in a nutshell, this is what I see happening in my life:
I make a goal – I plan every detail that I can, I’m excited and work hard to achieve that goal – I almost – ALMOST reach the finish line and my stomach falls out of the race. I begin to feel like I just am physically unable to finish, and that if I do it will be a bad joke of a finish in which whatever goal I was trying to reach is only obtained to the very smallest level that is humanly possibly – I don’t feel like I’m good enough at any particular thing to finish and complete any goal.
Maybe that’s why I’ve enjoyed Kaia fit – or running 5K’s – it’s tangible, quick finishing. Something I’ve worked for comes to fruition in the matter of an hour or a little less – something I may not have felt in the moment is physically possible, I am able to overcome and finish and be done – and move on to the next thing (adrenaline right?).
Maybe it’s the moving on and planning that propels me – mostly – I’m exhausted today. I seem to hit a personal wall every couple of weeks where I don’t want to keep doing the daily things – I don’t want to take any part in the liturgy of my life – the feeding kids, cleaning house, watering garden, playing, driving, reading, any of it. All of the things that on any other day might give me some sense of accomplishment and feeling of well being in my ability to connect with children and husband and friends, just leave me feeling depressed and ragged. I feel all at once that I could sob at any minute.
This morning as I read through my devotional (which I haven’t done this week yet and I thought maybe that would get me on track for today), I took note that whoever put together the Liturgical calendar, must have felt the same way I did around this time in the middle of “ordinary” time because I notice that each Psalm that I’ve read in the last couple of weeks starts much like today’s Psalm 22: “My God, My God -why have you forsaken me….”
A questioning, destitute, desperate plea – an unquenchable thirst and a blindness to the beauty which has continued through our daily life.
Our small group on Monday focused a bit on the creation story in Genesis 1 and I was reminded of things we studied and talked about last year in Newbigin. Mainly I was reminded that God created mankind to be creators and with that we were given the charge to take care of the fixed and other living creation. There is not a prescribed way to do this, but an endless opportunity to create and be creative and care – and bringing it back to today, I feel like this is my problem: I’m daily caring but often forget how to create in a way that Praises God. Oh yes, I create handknit items constantly and I create breakfast, lunch and dinner – and often it really does take a bit of creativity to accomplish these tasks – but all of these tasks are done with my focus on caring for others – knitting for others or so that I can bring a little income to help family – making food to nourish family. All of that is good right? but I echo the Psalmist’s plea and in these daily mundane and necessary tasks I fall back into the acedia that claims me constantly – “My God…WHY have you forsaken me?”
Isn’t it interesting that the next Psalm is “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…”……I feel like somehow the book binders got those Psalms out of order – that there needs to be a transition in there somewhere that accounts for the sudden trust and adoration which was severely lacking at the beginning of Psalm 22. And still, it seems like it’s the same struggle for me – waking up one day feeling forsaken, and the next feeling as though I am provided for and loved and that by letting myself go I will make room for the faithfulness of God’s love for me and all of his creation.
I’ve started rambling again –
Today’s Goal: Be creative in a way that doesn’t have to produce something functional or is made out of the necessity of caring for others