Cool and calm and so very bright.

Summer mornings are full of wonderful smells and sounds that fill my soul so completely.
The chickens create such noise in the backyard that the morning cannot be describe as still and silent as it might be in the cold, dark winter. These chicken rustlings and sounds that mark the waking up of the world create a stillness in my soul that allows the day to begin beautifully. Mornings, where I sit in solitude, sipping hot coffee and shivering slightly in the coolness of a California sunrise, are my very favorite. These mornings allow me to let go of the worries that I know will surround the rest of the day, to relax and ignore the knowledge that questions will descend the stairs along with my children, but at least I have this chance to sit in the unknowing – answer-less, myself silent and still.

We are moving in 2 days.

Yesterday, I received one phone call and two very exuberant texts congratulating us on the purchase of our very own house. Congratulations marked with humor and with relief – this is a crazy process, the buying of a house.  Stressful and scary and not intuitive in the very least.  It’s been a rough month of paperwork and phone calls and more paperwork and So. Many. Signatures.  Scott and I have been trying to make this process run smoothly so as not to stress out the kids – we’ve acknowledged to them that this is a stressful process that requires patience and that requires all of us to work together – but I think in the end, I at least have been attempting to mask all the nervous stress, with excitement – and packing, lots of packing.

After reading the 8th chapter of the 6th Harry Potter book to my kids last night before bed, Katarina, rather than adopting her normal resignation toward bedtime – during which she claims that she never actually does sleep and should just be allowed to stay up, because sleep is useless – the girl broke into tears. This girl has been so excited about moving, about the newness of having her own room for the first time ever, about new places and the possibilities of new friends – this girl. She cried because she is worried about next school year (they’re going to the same school they always have), and how she knows she won’t make friends and no one will want to play with her. She’s worried about a new house and the distance it places between her and said friends. She’s worried about the newness – the unknown – and she’s just a little scared. Oh my Katie.
Why do we bottle things up so long? I know I do it too. Mask the fear and the nerves with excitement and fearless ambition. What is it within us that says -” don’t show fear”,”don’t worry”.
I sat and talked to her about how exciting it is to have her own room, how many of her friends will live just down the street, and how during summertime, our whole lives feel unstable because each day comes with a bit of unknown – our friends are on vacation, at odd times, we do not have a daily schedule.  I also told her that being scared and nervous and worried, is completely normal and that many of the questions she has can’t be answered in this moment – we have to live the answers – find them as we go.  There’s more than that really.  This morning I sit and because it has been a practice since I was 18, I think about Jeremiah 29:11 – and to me, knowing that the plans for my life are known, that they’re meant to prosper and not to harm, gives me comfort in this moment – but I know too, that there have been times when those same words inspire guilt.  Guilt because even if I believe these words, I’m scared.  It is so difficult to sit in the unknown and know that all will be well – and while I, in my 31 years have found the ability to embrace the unknown and the trust I seek, How do I help my kids to trust, without the guilt I’ve often felt?  Again, parenting is hard, but lovely and beautiful too.

So friends – here’s to new things.  The answers we want, and those we don’t especially want will come with the experience of living the questions and trusting that tomorrow is a new day.

Enjoy your morning!

2 thoughts on “Mornings

  1. Congrats on the new house, friends! And yay for Harry Potter and mornings spent “unknowing–answer-less, myself silent and still.” Amen! Blessings on this new chapter in your stories!

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