It’s so very easy to get back into the daily swing of things and to forget all of my good intentions. Perhaps part of the problem is that I am so overcome with ideas from reading or writing that I don’t know how to change those ideas into actions in my daily life – they’re truly only connected to the lovely process of reading and writing because that’s what the introvert in my likes the best. I guess the old adage is “easier said than done”, so probably I’m not the only one who has trouble with moving ideas to processes. Anyway, this past week, after my last post, I proceeded to chuck all thoughts of living into the joy of life by being grateful for life, and instead started telling myself a different story. A story where I’m not good at anything I set out to do and one where I’m convinced that no matter how hard I try to do something I will not succeed. Shoot.
So first: I’d like to apologize to the friends I have complained to instead of told how lovely the summer time with my kids has gone. I apologize for complaining about having to sit by the pool while they swim – It’s a very unproductive position and I’m not saying I like it any better, I’m just going to try and stop complaining because I really know deep down that the stopping complaining and maybe just being thankful that we can be there every day to cool off and that they are so freaking happy to be splashing around; and that I get to see my friends every day too is just something I should focus on instead.
Habit hammers out Habit…..”Practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation. Practice Practice Practice” – Ann Voskamp p.56
And I know that I should be being thankful and I know that I should stop complaining. I guess there is still part of me that thinks someone will call me out – “you’re faking it” they’ll say – and part of me will have to agree with them – even if in the moment I am truly and fully grateful for the moment. How to live into a transformation of daily life and not be discouraged is something I may always battle, but I guess maybe it’s the journey and not the goal that I should try and focus more of my attention to because really, if I’m goal oriented and that goal takes a long time to reach, I’m going to get pretty discouraged in the long run.
I think I’ve stopped making any sense.
Sorry about that.
I guess what I really just want to say is that I’m still better at being cynical than being grateful, but I am better able to pinpoint that as the reason that I get so very sad and depressed.
I commented to Scott this week that it must be worrisome for him to not know what mood I’ll be in when he gets home. He said as long as he comes home to me, it doesn’t matter – Good guy huh? It’s all about perspective and his so much better trained than mine. I should start taking notes.
Continuing my stream of consciousness, morning mutterings:
I figured out this morning (again), that if I really do get up an hour earlier (it’s not crazy, it’s summertime and the kids are sleeping until 8:30) and start my morning by DOING something – reading, writing, cooking, all of those things – my heart is much more open to accept the grace that the day offers.
So today I woke up early and Allen sauntered downstairs because if someone is awake in the house, he must be too. I told him we were going to read this morning rather than turn on the TV or play the IPOD – and he was fine with that (woohoo!). I read a little, and I started the crock pot with the fixings for enchiladas to be made tomorrow and then started a batch of Fig Jam.
I climbed onto my friend’s roof yesterday and retrieved a couple dozen figs that were otherwise destined to fall in a big splashy mess on the gravel below (Thanks friends for letting us pillage your fig tree!!!) – When I woke up this morning, they were still sitting in the mesh bag I’d tossed them into and left on the counter – sort of weeping into the bag and seeping out onto the counter – so now they will become cinnamon fig jam – I think it should probably be my yearly sign that it’s really Summer – this making of fig jam – I’ve done it at least once a summer for the past 5 years and I think it’s getting better every time.
So there ya go – lemonade out of lemons, or jam out of splash-destined figs – however you phrase it, I’m trying.
One thought on “Slipping”
Good for you! My momma told me to fake it until I could make it! And it works. If I don’t smile, but do it anyway, I am eventually smiling in truth! Enjoy some summer and your jam! Sounds lovely!